ON A PERSONAL NOTE
2006

My name is Shirley Berens I founded the Grandparents Resource Center in 1996 and spearheaded the passing of House Bill 91-1255 for Grandparent Visitation in Colorado. I did this mainly out of desperation to get custody of my grandchildren who were placed in foster care in Chaffee County. Many mistakes were made in my daughter’s case. So being the grandmother that I am, I started to advocate for my grandchildren in the only way I knew how and in my own words. I would like to tell you how that felt for me. I feel it is important to tell my story from a deep personal level because I want you to understand my journey was not a walk in the park.

They say, "No pain, no gain," Well, in my case this comment was true. I gained through pain. I don't believe I ever suffered so much personal pain in my entire life. I felt I was holding my breath all the time and just when I thought I was going to be able to breath, someone would tell me I couldn't. Breathing was a luxury I could not afford to do.

My experience working with Social Services left me afraid of doing something wrong or not jumping fast enough whenever a social worker told me to do so. I was subjected to three psychological evaluations and when the evaluations weren't what the System expected, they sent me in for another test, hoping the scores would come back with something bad. They tried to use this against me, therefore preventing me from adopting my grandchildren. I called their process a “witch-hunt.” The only thing that kept me sane during these times was my determination that I would bring home my grandchildren no matter what I had to go through.

Social workers told me I could not speak to my daughter or I would lose my right to adopt my grandchildren. I use to think this just wasn’t reality. In her case something broke that may never be fixed again; that something was my daughter and I feel great compassion for her with the sorrow she faces over losing her children. Because of all the years of trials and tribulations my relationship with my daughter has deteriorated to nothing. I feel at a loose to know how to recapture our relationship without losing myself in the effort.

I did whatever the System wanted me to do no matter how difficult or unreasonable their demands. The System held the children hostage and in my opinion damaged them greatly. I feel their civil rights were violated without just cause. Children deserve a warm loving home with people who love them unconditionally. No matter how hard the System tries to be a parent it can never give a child what a family can give them.

God sent special people into my life for support and encouragement. Later these wonderful people would tell me, “Walking this experience with you has taught me to give back to my community, to have faith." I try to set a good example for all wherever I go. I believe grandparents are the role models of the century. Finding my calling, came from being willing to stand up for what I believed in and because of that calling I lost many things in my life one which is my relationship with my daughter. The System break’s up more families than it fixes and mine is included in those statistics.

One particular lesson that came hard for me in the beginning was to learn life is not a 30-minute sitcom. Some problems take years to resolve. Families always have problems, what is important is how the family is willing to work things out. I was lucky to be born in a family that taught me skills on how to problem solve. My father came from a family of thirteen siblings and believe me with that many children under one roof there were many disagreements. My father passed onto me the skills he had learned. My father was my hero; I miss him very much. Before he died he was able to give me strength when I needed it; understanding when no one else would, and love that was unconditional and a clear understanding of what is right and wrong.

Some days raising my grandson have been hard; I have had to learn how to re-parent again, when most people at my stage of my life are taking it easy. But, you know, the more tired I became the more strength I found in doing things that needed to get done. To see my grandsons happy gives me strength I didn't know I could muster. Because of my grandchildren I have learned many things, one is courage, they’re little hearts always love no matter the situation. I believe we have a lot to learn from children.

I found that the more I gave of myself that the less pain I carried around God always gave me answers to whatever problems I was experiencing at the time. He sent people to me who had answers with creative solutions. I learned a valuable lesson in all my trials, "I could not walk my walk alone, but with faith I could do it.

I was told I couldn't adopt my grandchildren and stay married. Having relationships was hard for me because I always felt everyone I had a friendship with would be subjected to an evaluation or asked to pass some unbearable test set up by the System to eliminate them. I could not put anyone else though the pain I was going through, so I chose to not have any friendships or relationships. The System tried to wipe out any support system I created, but the one relationship they could not destroy was my relationship with Jesus Christ.

You may ask; would I still walk the same path knowing what I know today; my answer would be yes. Because I have learned you can only get a deep understanding of life when you are willing to give up everything for what you believe in. I experienced pain and desperation but it was God who brought me through the hard times. My experience taught me that one tiny dream can change one thousand realities. My faith is stronger today because of the roads I walked. Because of my undying conviction to help children come home to live with their families instead of living in a foster care situation, I continue my job of helping grandparents to bring their grandchildren home.

I had an opportunity of working with Dr. Tom Sutherland, on the United Way Campaign working at U S West, Inc., in 1993. In conversations with Dr. Sutherland, we talked about how he felt being a hostage in Lebanon. Listening to him gave me strength to continue on my own journey. I can understand why so many people looked up to him as their hero. His advice to me was, “Don't give up on the children they are worth fighting for."

My journey was very hard and there were times when I thought death would have been a blessing, but when thinking back on those times, I knew this never was an option for me, because what would the children do if I was not there to fight for them? They would stay forever locked into a System that had no feelings. To help me focus, I kept my thoughts on the children and off my own feelings.

Many heroes entered my life in the last 18 years, many gave me courage and strength to keep going, many held me up when I couldn't walk, many brushed away my tears. There were times I felt alone, desperate, and without hope. But with one foot in front of the other, I kept walking my path. I never looked back, just forward to the day when my grandchildren would come home to live with me. On my journey, I learned something’s can never be repaired once they’re broken. Over the years, I cried rivers of tears and still feel a pain that never goes away. Like arrows going through my heart it doesn’t seem to matter how much I pray because this experience left scars as big and deep as the Grand Canyon.

If you are a grandparent reading this article I truly understand how you feel. My grandchildren are 15 and 19 years old and it has not been easy to raise them and I still face many situations raising them that try my patience. Raising grandchildren is not for the faint of heart. But, understand as time goes by things do get easier and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and all the work you have done raising your grandchildren will bear fruit. God will bless you for all you have done if you will be patient and have faith.

Statistics have proven that grandchildren raised by their grandparents seldom ever go to jail or end up on drugs and alcohol, versus 73% of the children who are raised in foster care end up in jail with crimes relating to drugs, alcohol and other serious offenses. Grandparents in America are doing a good job with very little resources verses the System who has billions of dollars in their budgets to throw at the problem of abandoned and abused children. Something is wrong with this picture; the government needs to start helping grandparents instead of accusing them of taking advantage of the system. If anyone is taking advantage of the system it is the system it’s self. I believe all grandparents raising grandchildren deserve “purple hearts” for their acts of courage. Grandparents are on the front lines daily keeping American children out of danger that is more than I can say for a System who continues to abuse the children in their care.